I just read your post. Are you ok?
Yes. I am.
Or I was.
I didn’t realise at the time the way the words I had read would affect me. And it’s not necessarily their fault. I have pre-exisiting sensitivities to topics, situations and interactions where the engagement makes me feel lesser. That’s not always the intention or the other party. But some people don’t know how to play the ball, and instead play the player and the ball.
Sometimes the side step is not intentional. I don’t know this person. I don’t know what they think of me. I have seen them speak with passion and conviction, and believe that they are sincere and genuinely doing what they think is right and best.
But are they?
Sinner. Sufferer. Saved. We all are. Thank you Bern. Thank you Sylvia.
I was listening to an audio book last night. It reminded me of how I am made. How my mind works. How my first reaction is to see me as a sinner; wrong and not worthy of good. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.
And yet…
Who is he that condemns?
He is me. The part of my mind, my thoughts, my soul that internalises the view that I am exactly that; not worthy; not of worth; not of value; “not a burden to any of you”. Christ has died to redeem me; but I am still that fallen, sinful, wretched creature that I was.
The tension; the one that says that this can be true, and the other – that I am save, redeemed, holy, can also be true. But my heart? It doesn’t feel that truth.
So don’t trust your feelings. Don’t believe what your emotions tell you. Know that your faith is anchored in fact, and not the emotional winds that blow you around like a wave of the sea. Because if you do, your faith is weak; and you are double minded. Not worthy. Not of worth. But of course; that’s not what James means. But is it?
This sounds more broken; more empty; more worthless than I feel. And yet this part of my mind nags at me; and I sit with this tension.
I live in the tension between the now; and the not yet. I feel that tension and I love that tension. The sense of hope; that the everlasting light – pure and holy – will be present. Where fear is erased… but it must be in another place. But yet; I struggle with the now. I struggle to see that in the face of criticism, and the weight of accusation that perhaps I am the one who is wrong.
I struggle to see past the words that speak of my heart and intent; that assume wickedness and instability. I struggle to see past the words that speak to my innermost fears and that identity that sits below the surface.
I struggle with the fact that I will sit in a room with this person, and have no voice; no opportunity to speak; and no recourse. I struggle with the almost certain knowledge that my words will be weaponised against me and against those I love, and they will feel the need to defend me – and I will listen, and yet I will be without voice.
Ahh… the irony.